post-promos has been a whirlwind of outings and spending money and quality time with friends.
it’s always in the back of my mind that i will be retained/kicked out of CJ, but i never say a thing about it unless someone mentions it first. i try to get into this party mood that everyone seems to be in, but i just can’t do it, i can’t seem to throw away the nagging thoughts biting at my consciousness, that i did so badly, i’m gonna get retained or worse, kicked out. it’s just like a heavy stone i can’t get rid of. however, it has been wonderful to simply go out with all my friends and not have to worry about studying. no matter what everyone says, i know that i did study very hard. yes, i started very late, but i am okay with myself, because my goal is to just keep improving as a person, and i only started studying one week before the O levels, whereas this time, i started 3 weeks before. i have made progress and personal growth as a person, and i think that’s good enough. sure, it’s not as big a leap as i’d have liked to make, but at least i’m improving.
in the night, the only light a harsh white glaring one coming from my table lamp, i get introspective and contemplative. i get a little more personal with myself. i realise that i really don’t mind retaining, because i know that utlimately it’ll be for my own good. i only fear getting kicked out of school. it’s saddening to know that i will be a grade below all my awesome friends, but i have to deal with it and move on.it disturbs me though that by the time i finish JC, i’ll be 19. I wouldn’t be able to take the gap year i wanted to to travel across asia. it’s jc, then right after that uni, then right after that work and settling down into everyday banalities. i have dreams, big and unrealistic they may be, but i will never get to even try.
my only regret is not risking everything to go after what i want. does that mean i’m too afraid, that i’m not ready, or that quite simply, i just don’t want it enough and i should therefore give up?
my life is passing by as i’m sitting on the sidelines. i’d imagined doing so many things with my teenage years. i’d imagined attending theatre classes and acting in small roles while being a J2 student. i never thought that i’d end up an unaccomplished retainee. although i understand that life does not always go the way you want it to, and that that’s supposedly what makes life worth living, that’s not why i’m so sad.
i’m so sad because i don’t have a choice. the thought that i’ll never have a say in my own life, that i’m living a life right out of my parents’ schedule, cries me to sleep nearly every night, when i’m all alone, just me and my disappearing dreams.
